Today being Father’s Day, it’s only natural that I give out some fatherly advice.
The one hour and 27 minute rain delay before the game between the Pittsburgh Pirates and Los Angeles Dodgers afforded me such an opportunity. There’s nothing too complicated — just a few pointers inspired by a few glasses of my favorite beverage while waiting for the skies to clear.
You can thank me later, fellas. Some of it’s even baseball related.
Here we go:
Starling Marte… try not to look so tense out there. It makes me nervous.
Travis Snider… audition for future Spiderman parts.
Andrew McCutchen… always remember where you came from. Then forget it come game-time and just play like the god-like superstar you are.
Garret Jones… lay off the high one, son.
Russell Martin… try not to have so much fun out there, you’re making us all jealous.
Pedro Alvarez… my mom says smile more. And keep hitting the moon-shot dingers.
Neil Walker... vacation out of town.
Clint Barmes… consider a ballet career after baseball.
Gabby Sanchez… enjoy being a new daddy. Time flies.
Jordy Mercer… hire a new publicist.
Michael McKenry... petition to have Fort McHenry’s name changed.
Alex Presley… change your first name to Elvis, of course.
Jose Tabata… go easy on the carbs, and keep hitting the frozen-rope gappers.
Brandon Inge… start your own brand of Swedish meatballs. If Paul Newman can do it with spaghetti sauce, so can you.
AJ Burnett… never retire.
Gerrit Cole… never grow old.
Jeff Locke… grow a long full beard, a la Brian Wilson.
Tony Watson… stop being mistaken for Justin Wilson.
Justin Wilson… stop being mistaken for Tony Watson.
Marc Melancon… never go swimming in the shark tank.
Jason Grilli… forge your birth certificate to read 1988.
Charlie Morton, Wendy Rodriguez, James McDonald and Jeff Karstens… get well soon!
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